Our Origins

On a drive going skiing with a friend, Scott Danielson, around 2001, Scott asked Ted Barrett-Page if he had any insights on “the best model for working with couples”. Ted was stumped. He was a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and had been of working with couples and families for several years. He had read many books on Marriage and Family Therapy, trained with experienced clinicians, and read many of the excellent books on relationships, and was dismayed to discover that none had changed a stark fact: the divorce rate in the United States had continued to hover around 50%. 

Ted explained the dynamic that almost all couples struggle with some version of the same twelve or so issues, but they didn’t have a simple method for resolving them. They’d start getting upset with each otherbut were afraid to bring up the issue for fear that there will be a blowup. Often the couple would either have a destructive blow up, or they would form resentments and pull away from each other.

As they drove on, they reflected on how 3rd graders are taught to deal with their inevitable frustrations. Rules. The teacher introduces good conduct agreements, asks the class to discuss them and then agree to follow them. They are then often posted in the classroom where everyone can see them.  They often include some version of: Don’t hit or bite your classmates. Take turns. Share.

Ted realized that in working with hundreds of couples, none of them had any explicit agreements for dealing with their inevitable frustrations and the ensuing blow ups and withdrawals. They discussed what agreements couples would need to follow to make it safe to have their “difficult conversations” and came up with the Three Agreements, that if followed would create, the same type of “good behavior” teachers try to teach their students.