Self Guided Sessions

Create a safe zone for deep connection with your partner using the Safe Harbor Method.

Think of the stress that bickering and being at odds an important person in your life causes. Then imagine the relief you’d feel if you had a simple method of working through these difficult conversations instead of fighting, withdrawing or stewing in unresolved anger and frustration. The best time to use the Safe Harbor Method is when you notice you’re feeling upset with an important person in your life.

Most of us haven’t learned how to navigate heated disagreements or productively engage with those with opposing viewpoints.

That’s where the Safe Harbor Method comes in.

The best time to use the Safe Harbor Method is when you notice you’re feeling upset with an important person in your life. You’re getting frustrated or angry or feel yourself pulling away. You might notice you’re having critical thoughts or perhaps you notice the tightening of your jaw or stomach.

This is when you want to ask them to have a conversation with you agreeing to follow the 3 Agreements and using the Timer.

How to use the Safe Harbor Method

The 3 Agreements

Stop

If either person feels the conversation is getting too heated, you must stop.

You can say something like: “I need to take a break” or “let’s take a break.”

This is the most important step in creating the safety needed for a deeper connection with each other. Each person must respect the STOP.

Take a Break

After the STOP, get up and leave the room to cool down so you can come back and listen. Start with 10 minutes. Take 10 deep breaths. Then ask yourself four questions:

  1. What am I feeling?

  2. What do I want?

  3. What do I think the other person is feeling?

  4. What do I think they are wanting?

Then, return on time to continue sharing
or plan for more time.

Return to Listen

Use a 2 minute timer and don’t interrupt.
You must both use the 2 minute timer and you must not interrupt. 
Both steps are critical.

If you’re not using both…. no safe harbor.

Practice Questions

Want to try out the Safe Harbor Method but not sure what to ask? Try these
practice questions to get started.

  • What is on your mind?

  • What have you liked most about today?

  • What’s important about today for you?

  • What makes you more happy?

  • What makes you sad?

  • What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

  • What do you value most in a friendship?

  • What do you value most in OUR relationship?

  • What was this process like for you?

Create a safe zone for connection

How to Create a Safe Zone for Connection

Safe Harboring can be done anywhere, but it is important that you have quiet, calm and privacy.

For optimum results we recommend:

  • Locate a time and place that works for both of you. If you cannot agree, reschedule. This is a mutual exercise.

  • Use the Relationship Timer.

  • Try to create a private and quiet environment.

  • Start with 30 seconds of silence

  • Agree to the 3 Agreements.

Recommendations for Safe Harboring

  • Use “I Statements".

  • You may want to try sharing your observations, feelings, needs and requests.

  • Pause or reschedule if you need more time.

  • Offer undivided attention. Your body language will reveal how well you are listening.

  • We can acknowledge each other’s feelings without agreeing.

  • When the meeting is over, create some space to digest what you just heard.

Watch the video below to view an example of the Safe Harbor Method in action.

Two people smiling at each other, one playfully applying cream on the other's nose.

Looking for more guidance?

Schedule a remote Safe Harbor session with one of our skilled coaches.